Wednesday, July 17, 2013

@Koalaifyahearme's timeline on Twitter

Tweets

  1. 15 Jul
    "I found my towels in the bowels of an owl.” ~my reply to a sales lady who asked me what brought me into Bed, Bath & Beyond
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  2. 15 Jul
    It wasn’t due to sobriety that he got frostbit to shit. It was because of what he tried to do with a cold turkey.
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  3. 2 Jul
    iPhone Twitterers - does MY pic ever come up in the 'trending' section when you hit 'discover'? I've always wanted to be trendy...
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  4. 4 Jul
    You don't have to like me or even want to talk to me. Just star and retweet me so I feel like a god.
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  5. 4 Jul
    Snow White but with an iPod filled with Poison songs
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  6. 7 Jul
    We have soldiers renting out our guest rooms. Last time I had this many army boys around me... I don't remember, but there was a video
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  7. 7 Jul
    Me: if I woke up as a man, would you bump helmets with me? Hub: *puts pillow over my face* you stop talking now ok?
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  8. 30 Jun
    I think it's a post to Craigslist casual encounters kind of day, hope they enjoy my ad for the comics I am selling
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  9. 10 Jul
    Someday, Mississippi will prefer to be called Ms. instead of Mrs. That day is not today, though.
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  10. 26 Apr
    There are 1,426 billionaires in the world and 3.5 billion people live in poverty. Call me crazy, but that seems lopsided.
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  11. 16 Jun
    I don't complain when you tweet about relationships or whatever stupid shit you're into.
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  12. 30 Jun
    A Unicorn once told me as we were flying over rainbows. "Nobody gets a free ride in life." Then he dropped me.
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  13. 12 Jun
    Soak the whole world in love........For years.
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  14. 19 Jun
    LoveLoveLoveLoveLov o WorldLoveWorld e v WorldLoveWorld e WorldWorldWorld World overflowing with Love.
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  15. 5 Jul
    Was gonna give up but gravity said drop it, so I did. Saw flyer on ground: "Our truck will be in your neighborhood on Tuesday."
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  16. 5 Jul
    You call it kissing ass. I call it a yoga master showing off.
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  17. 5 Jul
    Apparently, my crop-dusting skills in grocery store aisles give me no competitive advantage in Farmville.
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  18. 4 Jul
    All I asked the guy at the store for was some space and an apostrophe to go with my new supermanscape.
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  19. 2 Jul
    My inner child just degraded an antique doll collection.
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  20. 2 Jul
    I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt. Boogers didn't get wiped on walls. Just got flicked. Stopped at place they hit.
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  21. 2 Mar
    It's just my eyes, nose, phone & fingers sticking out from the covers. So awesome. I'm cozy. You can't see me. It's like we're not here.
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  22. 24 Mar
    Looking back, I think it was my failure to get his Star Wars reference that put the final nail in that particular coffin. There is no try.
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  23. 22 Feb
    I have nothing to do today Twitter. Retweet rampage?
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  24. 1 Apr
    Are we friends? I feel like we're friends. cool.
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  25. 19 Aug 10
    The Lifetime channel enables us to clear the room of menfolk when we need to fart or scratch our junk. We don't actually watch that crap.
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  26. 25 Oct 11
    After watching about 24 zombie movies I've decided I need a crossbow.
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  27. 9 Sep
    I don't care who you are, I will respect your heart. Everyone deserves that.
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  28. 13 Apr
    It would be so cool if some of the people we love weren't so stupid.
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  29. 7 Nov
    I don't get even with people that have wronged me. I get even with the people that have been good to me.
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  30. 6 Aug 11
    What you have carried in your mind about the world is what you will see around the world.
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  31. 7 Apr
    the police men and women whom I most admire are the ones who are not currently behind me...
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  32. 5 Apr
    There is a 4th dimension. In time, you will stub your toe there too.
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  33. 2 Apr
    Let me slip into something a little more comfortable. *falls asleep in a huge bowl of ramen*
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  34. 21 Mar
    Twitter's seven years old today? Multiply by 200 million active users, factor in twitter time vs real time, that's 50 trillion wasted years.
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  35. 22 Nov
    Im just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to not get the police involved.
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  36. 23 Mar
    I think I’m the only one on Twitter that’s hasn’t written an “orgasm/sarcasm” tweet. Marks it off the bucket list. Drops mic. Does your mom
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  37. 24 Mar
    not even noon and i've pissed off another family member. they're dropping like freakin flies.
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  38. 14 Mar
    If these phones are so smart why don't they keep us from tweeting stupid bullshit?
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  39. 23 Mar
    We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ♥
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  40. 22 Feb
    Blocked, mocked, and parodied. And you don't like my anti-favstar tweets? Fuck you.
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  41. 28 Jun
    Unsexy is the one* not reading this. *many
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  42. 27 Jun
    I took bumper sticker advice. Just like I always do. Act Your Wage Fell asleep picking my butt. And when I woke up, I threw poo.
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  43. 27 Jun
    Friends had a blast doing a show last night in front of a 'sea of people'. I had a riot on Twitter, wondering if Patton took naps.
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  44. 22 Jun
    Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence ~Vince Lombardi ♥
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  45. 27 Jun
    With letters on the parts, I spelled Anita Pallenberg & Britt Eklund. I doubt it's them. Why'd I buy mail-order brides from IKEA?
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  46. 26 Jun
    Just admit that you're fucking wrong and I'm fucking right! It will save so much time Father Murphy.
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  47. 26 Jun
    When I asked what you were doing tonight, I sort of meant besides ignoring my texts.
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  48. 23 Jun
    i'm busy knitting a straitjacket for your baby.
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  49. 25 Jun
    Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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  50. 25 Jun
    Just stalked one of our work crushes via Twitter...of 15 people he follows one is Rachael Ray. We'll be over here questioning everything...
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  51. 25 Jun
    Love never makes you less than you are
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  52. 23 Jun
    Was told I don't know the half of it, but as luck would have it, I do. It's all crap we don't need to believe.. Just hype and jive.
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  53. 11 Jun
    It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's gonna be ok It's
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  54. 11 Jun
    After doing some laps around the park, I wanna say: "Walking is for the birds." But, most of those fowl-mouthed peckerheads can fly.
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  55. 11 Jun
    I’m still wearing a fly suit. My faceplant in the yard simply means I’m wearing the outfit that is only supposed to be worn for show.
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  56. 11 Jun
    Factor in my handicap and you’ll find I’m always in contention. Even when stating the obvious. What? Get that clown off the stage.
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  57. 8 Jun
    You say I overreact. I say you’re just jealous because you suck at jumping hurdles.
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  58. 6 Jun
    On the 7th day, the gods still chose to fuck with me on their day off.
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  59. 30 May
    ~ “Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.” Jim Morrison ♥
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  60. 11 Dec
    One day I will come back to this place with silly string and end all of these people.
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  61. 13 May
    Backspace. Cancel. You shoulda seen what I was bout to say yo. You woulda been like, "awww shit homey. That's wrooong".
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  62. 5 May
    remember that time you were immature and said dumb things. stay there
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  63. 3 May
    Good evening residents of my twitterhood. Use your common sense tonight, if that fails go ahead & get on the roof with your coloring books.
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  64. 19 Nov 11
    From my point of view,the Wall street occupiers(&other places)are people who took the red pill,& they know the truth about what "Matrix" is
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  65. 1 Apr
    My martial arts style: I say a clever one-liner after every punch like they do in the action movies... I get beat up a lot.
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  66. 30 Apr
    I'm just a girl. Sitting quietly in a room. Trying not to fuck anything up.
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  67. 4 Jan
    According to my dog, the answer to all of life's questions is: Lick your butt.
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  68. 15 Jul 12
    I would leave Twitter but I have nowhere go.
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  69. 26 Apr
    You: Hey, I just gave you a star on that tweet Me: Yeah, but it had a typo in it You: I suppose you want me to re-star the new one Me: OK
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  70. 31 Mar
    The humour in a tweet is inversely commensurate with how long it took to jesus fuck this tweet is boring
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  71. 26 Apr
    I'm definitely the hottest girl in this men's room
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  72. 30 Apr
    Totally subtweeted myself... Now I wait.
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  73. 15 Apr
    You know what boils my piss? Me neither, Google has no information on the boiling point of urine.
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  74. 27 Apr
    "Progressively worse" is always funnier.
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  75. 23 Apr
    Sorry we're lacking in meme Tweets and joke formats tonight. We know how appealing those are to the barely literate.
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  76. 23 Apr
    I know you just left your hulk hands behind so that you'd have an excuse to come back <3
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  77. 17 Apr
    her story was written in the lines between what she felt and what she did. spoken by others
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  78. 7 Mar
    The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up. - Albert Einstein ♥
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  79. 14 Apr
    *Tinfoil Flowers In Her Hair* waiting for her sleek robotic knight in shining rose petals to tickle her stems & juice up her tingling daisy
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  80. 15 Apr
    Settle down Mr self appointed line coordinator at the bank... Settle the fuck down :/
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  81. 14 Apr
    unbearable means you can't do it without a bear so get a bear duh
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  82. 26 Oct
    You are as beautiful as you make others feel.
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  83. 6 Apr
    Janet: "Give me a beat!" Audience: *pelts Janet Jackson with fresh beets* That's the trouble with homophones :/
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  84. 7 Apr
    Someone who makes you feel worthless hasn't seen happiness in a really long time & they don't see it in you...walk away.
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  85. 6 Apr
    travel the trails until you see goodness sincerity kindness. if you don't see it yet keep going. keep going and keep going and keep going
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  86. 9 Apr
    Thanks to all the people that make an effort to keep Twitter a fun and safe place for us to come and be appreciated for being ourselves.
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  87. 25 Feb
    it's not that i like tea so much it's that i like holding a cup
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  88. 8 Apr
    Hipster sushi restaurant employees serve complimentary eye rolls when you order Teriyaki Chicken.
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  89. 3 Apr
    It's like this old lady on the bus doesn't even see me trying to initiate a rap battle.
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  90. 8 Apr
    I had friends until I sent that third winky face emoticon. Third times the charm.
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  91. 8 Apr
    Everyone gets angry on here eventually. It's written in the stars. Or something.
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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 4:16 PM   0 Comments